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Parenthood is tough. Nobody in the world would disagree with this statement, but what happens when a mom or dad says “I need a break”? If you’re surrounded by rational adults, you’ll receive sympathy, validation, or even an offer from the listener to provide said break.
But a lot of times, that’s not the reaction you get. It’s not what I received. From the moment I announced that I was pregnant, any time I voiced even the tiniest complaint I was slapped down with “This is what you signed up for,” or a sarcastic “Welcome to motherhood.”
Everyone was thrilled when Mr. Alias and I had a baby until we needed help, especially after Mr. A had to go back to work. Life with a newborn would have been so much easier to handle if i had someone to hold the baby for 20 minutes while I took a shower. Or to take him for a walk down to the park while I had a much needed nap. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but like millions of other mothers and fathers my village promptly left when reality set in.
Is this endemic of a society that romanticizes having a child until you have a child? Is it a side effect of living in modern times, with our modern electronics, that we’ve become a sea of lonely individuals? Is it because we had a child in California? Is it different in other parts of this country, the world?
Do parents deserve help, for a child they willingly brought into the world?
When our son received a diagnosis of Autism just after his 3rd birthday, we were in a lot of turmoil. We didn’t know enough about Autism to have an idea of how to raise him with everything he needs, and overwhelmed with everything that was coming at us after the diagnosis. For a couple that had never needed nor sought help from the state, we suddenly had programs available to us. But there was a catch.
We didn’t qualify for SSI or SSDI, SNAP, or IHSS. The reasons were numerous but I won’t list them here save to say that the requirements of the state have not caught up with the economy to fairly judge a family as “poor enough” to deserve these programs. But I digress.
The only thing we qualified for was: Respite care.
I had never heard of respite care before. I have several family members who care for special needs children, and never had I heard them say anything about it. It was apparently their best kept secret: you mean to tell me that someone with the qualifications to care for my child will come and watch them for a few hours while I…what? Cook? Clean?
No. In fact, part of the agreement in respite care is that I will not do anything resembling “work” or “parent”. For four hours a week, the state wants me to do something only for myself. Take a nap, a bath, go for a jog, go our for coffee. Work on my blog.
It’s a beautiful system, and one that I take full advantage of. But like mothers who work outside the home, or leave their children in a daycare, I can’t help but be wracked with guilt. Do I deserve this time to myself? Am I not giving my child the best, if I am not the one personally with them 24/7/365? If I do deserve this, then why don’t all mothers? Why does it take a child having a disability for people to recognize that a mother needs help, even if it’s just an hour or two every week, to practice self care?
“You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject. Please comment below!
